Massive Attack

of guilt

The writer David Nicholls was on desert island disks last week, I only heard parts of it, but his choice of Protection, by Massive Attack, featuring Tracey Thorn as his eighth and final disc was an inspiration that has stuck with me all week.

You’re a boy and I’m a girl; Brussels-Central railway station

In fact it’s more than stuck with me, its transported me and taken me on an endless journey as only great music can do; back to a time and place around thirty years ago; Protection, that second studio album from Massive Attack; a collaboration between them and the amazing voice of Tracey Thorn; from Everything but the Girl fame, who I see also got back making music in 2022 after a 20 year gap - so you can do anything eh?

Back to Protection, the single was first released on 9 January 1995 and I believe won an MTV best music video award for that year too; powerful stuff and seven minutes & fifty one seconds that are well worth a listen right now.

The music left me thinking, perhaps too much; spending a lot of time in solitude swimming in streams of consciousness amid my own massive attack of guilt to boot.

So that’s what I’m warbling on about to myself this week, even guiltier that my self imposed weekly publishing deadline hangs over me within the next couple of hours for sure.

We are always too hard on ourselves and while reminding others to be kind to each other, we often seem collectively poor at being kind to ourselves, often thoughts of what is required, what was not done or distant lists of what is to be done spiralling into heavy weights pulling us down into depression and anxiety at what should have, could have, would have changed events of the past or those yet to happen (that therefore don’t need worrying about)

Anyhow, one of my massive issue is a constant requirement for detailed list making; the apparent ability to transactionalise any event, however insignificant into a joyless list of actions, points and numbers, with the odd diagram or technical drawing thrown in for good measure.

The volumes and frequency of quality food and drink consumption being right up there as a pastime I would argue takes a higher than normal percentage of my waking hours and is extremely close to my heart; sadly having the spontaneity and love sucked out of it as beautiful experiences of taste and appetite surrender to self flagellation and endless lists of edible transactions that are the devil in disguise and require cancelling out with dust-eating and water sipping in equal measure.

It started as an image and ended as a list of actions.

For me, looking through any notebook will reveal stifled creativity and expressive exploration, probably descending after pages or weeks of pages, despite my best intentions, to fewer and fewer outpourings and scribbles, sparsely hiding in the latter pages and pages of lists, diagrams and more lists; targets and tasks to be done, to be met, to be compensated for; clearly, if I were be be categorised as a recorder of things, then list making would be my ‘revert to type’, and I don’t like it.

Yes, it’s good to get it out of your head and scribble down that list; some of my notes from the bedside notebook prove to be both a sleep-inducer in the middle of the night, as well as a great reminder the next day as to what direction to point yourself in.

However, a notebook or a list is not the same as talking to a real person.

Guilt ridden obsessive list making and ‘having a word with yourself’ just serves to show how important it is to have help and support from others - family, friends, colleagues and professionals, who can help unbundle your thoughts and anxieties; should you let them - and I have written a lot about the importance of putting your hand up here before.

I have also written about how others can help you.

Because when there is nobody else to talk to, you inevitably self reflect and internalise all those thoughts that are better off our of the bottle; when there is nobody to listen, then we give ourselves a good talking to; and the problem is, we don’t know when to stop

So, don’t have a massive attack of guilt or anxiety on your own eh, talk about the issues as much as you can; and even if you don’t have anyone, then don’t worry - could I suggest you put your thoughts on hold just for an hour or so and do some listening to others; rather than just yourself?

Sounds crazy?

Not really, whatever you are up to, especially if you are on your own; then try to at least put yourself in a space where there are others, a shop, a park, a meeting, a workplace, a bar; a table for one in a busy restaurant is going to be better for you than that tv dinner and more miserable news to watch sat on your own at home.

Listening to others around you, will soon help you realise that you are not the only gay in the village; in fact, the more you listen, the more you get sucked in and love the reassuring randomness of the collective you are within; like Massive Attack, it’s compelling and so helpful to your mental state in equal measure;

I’m nit picking now but he needs a kick up the arse….

I don’t go into all that personal stuff

There’s things I ate when I was way younger, now I just can’t go near them; crab sticks for example

We’ve all got our own strengths

You ruined today, I could have been at home but you made me walk eight miles

You do this every time……

The truth is, listening to others, even (especially) if you are not in their conversations, will give you context and affirm to you that you are not alone in the issues you face

everyone has issues

we are all on a journey

you can do anything

Look around you at those people and their lives; listen to their words, absorb their actions and along with both their insignificant ridiculousness and of course your own, remember what Tracey Thorn so eloquently sang:-

Sometimes you look so small, you need some shelter

You’re just runnin’ ‘round and ‘round, helter-skelter

I stand in front of you, I’ll take the force of the blow, protection.

You’re a boy and I’m a girl, hey.

Thank you Tracey Thorn and Massive Attack; you really gave me some inspiration and made my week; some lovely listening, some creative sketching, and not a list in sight.

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